Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude : “What in the hell is that?”
Mable : “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Maude : “Where did you get it?”
Mable: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day! , Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.
July 2009
23 posts
Butch Walker: The Melody Genie
The Metro - Chicago, IL 8/3/06
by Anthony Kuzminski
She sings all the words to my hidden tracks
From my heart of a record, far as I can tell
Sounds like heaven and feels good as hell
Inside the walls of the legendary Metro club in Chicago, the temperature is well over 100 degrees and can be best demonstrated by the sweaty soaked-to-the-skin fans and the saturated walls drenched with condensation. Halos of light emanated from the stage as the band members took their places before their leader, Butch Walker, unleashed a blissful jet wailing riff sending the near sold out club into a frenzy. Two years ago, Butch Walker was merely a name, today he’s one of a handful of artists I watch with a careful eye. His talents are infinite, wide and vastly underappreciated. As lethal as he may be as a hired gun producing records for everyone imaginable (Pink, Avril Lavigne, Bowling For Soup, American Hi-Fi, Puffi-Yumi, Pete Yorn, Hot Hot Heat, All American Rejects and SR-71) it’s his own songs which resonate strongest with me, not just for their sprawling production but because of the intense emotion with which they’re performed.
I’ve seen Walker’s audience triple in Chicago over the last twenty-four months however, despite the catchiness of his records, live is where it’s at. When I first heard “The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and the Let’s Go Out Tonites!” it didn’t resonate with me. There are usually two types of albums; those that mature over time and those that collect dust on your shelf. It’s still too early for me to give you a final verdict; however I’m feeling this one has legs. Despite my reservations, I told myself I would wait and see how it sounded live.
Never one to settle into complacency, Walker’s current tour is finding him trying to shake things up. Two platforms near the front of the stage have been added, which light up and are accentuated by smoke giving the small club the feel of a theater or arena. The stage was full with his four-piece band and the addition of two backing female singers (who did their best go-go dancing impersonations during “Lights Out”). When the sledgehammer riff from “Hot Girls In Good Moods” lifted off, my reservations about the album slowly began to evaporate as Walker electrified the audience with his best (according to Steve Van Zandt) Marc Bolan impersonation. If one were to judge the artist Butch Walker based solely on his albums they would only be seeing a small portion of the picture. My wife says it best, “His albums merely make you reminisce for his concerts”. When Walker hits the concert stage, he’s as charismatic as any front man in the business including Bono, Steven Tyler and Mick Jagger. He exudes confidence and the willingness to please his audience in any way imaginable.
Walker’s new album has character and it’s not as easily digestible on a first listen as his previous efforts have been. Despite this, “Ladies & Gentlemen…The Let’s Go Out Tonites”, “Bethamphetamine (Pretty Pretty)”, “Taste of Red” & “”Too Famous To Get Fully Dressed” are all stronger in concert with the intensity of the performance brought the swirling grooves to the forefront. I respect Walker for making albums he wants to make, which ironically sound better when performed in a live setting. For someone who has made a name for himself with a gleaming pop sound, it’s under the sweaty lights where Walkers true colors shine through. Today’s artists have a hard time building a fan base to consistently tour because their albums are so over polished that when they hit the concert stage, they fall on their faces. While his efforts to spice up his stage show are honorable, the truth is he doesn’t need it. His fans love him fanatically and will follow him to the ends of the Earth. As long as he continually gives 110% at every show, he could be performing in a bathroom stall and people will fork over their money to see him.
Despite the raw energy brought to the new material, it was his older material that radiated strongest with the crowd. “#1 Summer Jam” and “Maybe It’s Just Me” were perfectly placed early in the set, eliciting fervent responses from the crowd whose singing is so loud, it drowns out Butch’s vocals. The golden harmonies of “Don’t Move” and “Mixtape” dazzled the fired up audience and despite being played hundreds of times, these songs are still growing and evolving with each emotional performance. One of the tests of working for the legendary Clive Davis is you have to bring him a song that could be covered by another artist and become a hit. If I had fifteen-minutes with Clive, I’d probably play him these two songs as they continue to resonate live and should have been enormous hits and potentially could be for someone else. The middle of the show did find a few surprises and some moments that proved to me that while the commercial cycles of his past albums have come and gone, they are continuing to expand and surprise audiences.
The Marvelous 3 song “Indie Queen” was the most appreciated moment of the evening as 1,100 jaws were flapping incessantly to this forgotten and under performed fan favorite. Much of the Marvelous 3 material is overlooked and should be let out of their cages on a more regular basis with certain songs rotating in and out of the set list. The piano set was predictable at first with faithful concert renditions of “Diary of a San Fernando Sex Starr” and “Joan” and as he began to hit the keys on the piano for “Cigarette Lighter Love Song”, I began to feel he was treading on uncreative ground. This song has been part of the piano set for as long as he’s been solo, but about half way through the song, the band made their way to the stage and segued into the song giving a full band effort. While it was blasting throughout the club, my wife reminded me of how she always says this song reminds her of the David Bowie penned “All The Young Dudes”, something she has been mentioning to me since we first heard the song two-years ago. The first concert I took her to was a David Bowie, knowing she loved the charismatic chameleon. Walker is a self-professed Bowie fanatic as well (just look at the title of his most recent album), but neither of us were ready for what happened next as the band segued from “Cigarette…” right into “All The Young Dudes”. Walker’s clever arrangements keep his fans coming back time and time again. His ability to slowly build songs into climactic crescendos has the audience eating out of his hands. No stage lights, props or backing vocalists can replace this.
If one leaves after the main set of a Butch Walker show, they miss out on the evenings most energetic moments. The band returned to the stage to perform an off the wall rendition of Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy”. All a concert needs to take it to that next level is one moment for the crowd to grab on to; tonight, this was it. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that this version makes its way to iTunes as it was off the hook. “Lights Out” brought the house down as usual, which found Walker in the crowd mashing it up with them but it was the gentle “When Canyons Ruled The City” that brought the evening to a close. When I first heard this song performed live last fall, I loved it immediately, however, when the new album came out, this was the only song I kept on returning to and I began to wonder whether Butch made the best album he could have? After sitting with the album for well over a month and now seeing many of these songs performed live, I appreciate it far more than I thought I would. I lost ten pounds of sweat watching Walker practically kill himself as the 1,100 patrons had an evening they wouldn’t soon forget. Butch Walker is one of the most enigmatic performers to grace concert stages over the last few years and there is no doubt the man gives 110% in each and every one of his performances.
As “When Canyons Ruled…” faded out, each member of the band exited the stage as Butch conducted the crowd sing-a-long until he finally disappeared into the shadows leaving a hot crowd in a more than a good mood…but an ecstatic one.
Tell me how to not love a hot girl in a good mood
-“Hot Girls In A Good Mood”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now…cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train…cause we’re going down the tracks.’
The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train…but I want you to use nice language.’
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say…’All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.’
She heard her little darling continue…’For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’
As the mother began to smile, the child added, ‘For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen….
A Puerto Rican woman was walking along the beach of Isla Verde when she stumbled upon an old Cerveza bottle. She picked it up & rubbed it, & Coño, a Genie appeared.
She said to the Genie, ‘I heard from mi Comadre Juana that I get three wishes if I ever found a Genie.’
The Genie said, ‘Oh no, sorry vieja, three-wish Genies are a story-tale myth. I’m a one-wish Genie. Uno nada mas! Dime, qué quieres?’
The woman did not hesitate. She said, ‘I want peace in the Middle East! See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other & I want all the Jews, Arabs & Americanos to love one another. It will bring world peace & harmony.’
The Genie looked at the map & said, ‘No jodas, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being cooped up in that bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but not THAT good!!! Please make another wish?’
The woman thought for a minute & said, ‘Well, I’ve never been able to find a good man. I want a Puerto Rican boyfriend… ‘No Pato’ but straight, with a Job… you know, one that’s not a ‘Borachon’, nice & funny, likes to dance salsa & helps clean La Casa.’
I want him to be great in bed & get along con mi mamá, is faithful & doesn’t throw bofetás at me. That’s what I wish for… a Good Puerto Rican man.’
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza & said, ‘Coño no me jodas!!!’ ‘Let me see that f***ing map again!’
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at her girlfriend’s house.The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Just up the road from my home there is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing. If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As you stand and watch these two friends, you’ll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.
Good friends are like this. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours.
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration.
“Thanks,” the Girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar & to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter said “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.
“The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A little girl walks in while her Dad is reading the paper.
“Where does poo come from?” she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says, “Well you know we just ate breakfast?”
“Yes,” answers the girl.
“Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”
The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks, “And Tigger?”
If you’re just looking for many, many atheists to follow you will find a very long and raw #FollowAtheistSunday list following this link #FollowAtheistSunday
My Awesome Twitter TweetiesThese are the people that I admire, they’re interesting, smart, insightful, funny, caring, witty, sexy, sassy and just a pleasure to interact with. This list is not finished yet, as I always find some new ‘gem’ to follow out there on the TwitterVerse. So, if you’re looking for people worth following you’ve come to the right place. Click on their @names to go to their Twitter profiles.
You guys might want to tweet this link, because that’s what networking is all about; and, so that your own friends know how incredibly awesome I think you guys are =) … just sayin’.
@leapingjudas Have a taste of his wits. An intellectual weapon, this heathen will take your breath away. Privileged mind and absolute charm. Check out his Soapbox, pedestal, pulpit, rant, rave, rage - call it what you will, but it is not a “blog”. Totally worth reading Raven Paradox
@ryan2131 Ryan is an Atheist, Free-Thinker, cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. Have a beer with this guy and you’ll know what fun is all about. My unconditional friend, Thanks Ryan.
@cherokee_autumn Ah Shay Leene… Atheist, Free-Thinker, insightful heathen who is never afraid to speak her mind out.
@SainterSan Wayne is incredibly smart! You’re going to enjoy the brilliance of this Aussie. Atheist, Skeptic, insightful gentleman.
@Hanescymru Rich is just awesome, delightful man of culture, first class gentleman, witty, warm Welsh heathen. He will tweet his way into your heart. Check out his website Adrift
@AtheistCrow Luke is great, interesting and insightful heathen, atheist, humanist, skeptic. If you don’t follow him, there must be something seriously wrong with you. He also has a website worth reading AtheistCrow - A Blog
@killtheex Christine is a very special lady, one of my favorite Tweeties, smart, witty and funny… and she is my friend. She’s been a source of inconditional support and love in stressful times. There is no way on earth that you don’t like her. Thank you, for being my friend, Christine.
@graff_king Phil is great! Intelligent, insightful, supportive, an unconditional friend. Thank you, for being my friend, Phil.
@Misstcalia Terri is just a fantastic classy lady, one of my dearest Tweeties, Atheist, Free-Thinker sassy, witty, interesting, with a great sense of good taste, an awesome mom, managing a restaurant, for now… you will LOVE her as much as I do! Check out her website: California Transplant
@Dauson The awesome Dauson Lovi: Published author, writer and executive baker, insightful heathen, and also my Twitter-Hero. Check out his website Holy Shit! A Brief Look at the Christian Problem
@grimmlock My friend Mike, Atheist, minarchist, uber-smart, witty, a ready line of humorous patter and possibly your worst nightmare. He’s just awesome! Check out his website Mike in Real Life
@WongoWoman She’s a very smart Free Thinker, Humanist, cleverly amusing, wicked funny, snarky, irreverent, and highly intelligent. She’s a great choice for a follow! She has a website, too WongoWorld
@Nrtikulit Michael is witty, caring, full of fun, engaging Atheist, always ready to give his humor and support. Totally worthy of twitter engagement. Check out his site: Nrtikulit’s Blog
@deconversion Paul is full of Resources for skeptical, de-converting, or former Christians. Totally worthy of Twitter engagement.
@Nickdrumr2 You just have to follow him, Atheist, Dad, Drummer and argumentative. Great choice for following.
@maxormark Self proclaimed Silver-haired adonis, Atheist, vivacious, utterly charming heathen and soldier of the secular cause.
@AtheistinWA Atheist, Skeptic, Lefty insightful heathen, who lives at the other side of the pond, totally worthy of twitter engagement.
@randeazie Ahh Randy… Atheist, Blogger, Liberal, Scientist, Animal Lover, funny and engaging. You can’t ask for more. His website: The New Atheist
@TabyCat74 Take the risk and meet this lady, Taby is an awesome writer, she will take you to the extreme, funny, witty, sexy, almost inappropriate… so much fun. If you want a preview you can read her spicy website TabyCat74
@CuriousEm This awesome lovely lady is a delightful, compassionate, insightful, first class liberal atheist, and she’s one of my dearest friends, Much love to you Emma.
@rwAtheist Atheist, Skeptic, Freethinker, intelligent cool guy, totally worthy of twitter engagement.
@lorddrachenblut A sweet mighty dragon, my favorite freak, funny, witty and always twisted, devoted to his beautiful sweet @DragonsAngel … and he likes me. Check out his site The Digital Dragon’s Lair
@Ted_Striker32 My friend Ted is a Fighter Pilot, Peace Corp., and rocks a BlackBerry. Great conversation and wry, excellent choice of engagement.
@elizapi Eliza… Liberal, Weak Atheist, intellectual, College student. Adorable caring young lady, she’s just so nice to be around, a true friend. You can join her Facebook page here: Eliza Piston
@imbnme Anti-religion, smart sweetheart. Lori is great: caring, engaging, loving sweet lady, she’s all about sharing the love. She will go out of her way to make your day a better one. True friend material.
@TferThomas The kindest gentleman you will ever find and my Twitter-Hero! He’s also a BlackBerry enthusiast, always finding interesting news to share with us. If you need help with your gadgets you might find his website useful BlackBerry in the pocket of TferThomas Thank you, sir.
@ElyssaD Elyssa is a godless force of nature indeed! Always standing for people’s rights and just causes. She’s a great Tweetie.! Check out her website The Powers That Beat
@mamapigeon Carrie is a super cool mom, writer… nonprofit organizational specialist; crazy momma of triplets and hummingbird on caffeine! Her Site: Grant Writing Services
@GitEmSteveDave He knows about everything and anything! The Jersey of JerseyCam, and the Star commenter on such sites like Gizmodo, Consumerist, io9, and Lifehacker. His site You should really go check this site!
@MorenaAzucar A BlackBerry lover and a really cool lady. Always looking for three things education, friends and a good time. Her Tumblr: BrownSugar
@darthstorm528 A Storm Chaser, how cool is that! Graphic designer, Illustrator, Ham radio operator Addicted to his BlackBerry the greatest phone ever, indeed!
@AgentChaos Colleen is a godless heathen Blogger, wonderful smart lady, great conversationist, she renews herself everyday, you’ll know what I’m talking about real quick. Her totally worth reading website: Inside the mind of a Godless Heathen
@Lauruhhpalooza Laura is a smart and engaging Atheist, Feminist, Free-Thinker. Huge contributor of ThinkAtheist.com Check out her Site Are you there, God? It’s me, Laura.
@Kunsthure This lady has a lot to give, engaging, smart heathen, her avatar is a chicken with its head cut off. If that’s not a statement, what is? Check out her website L. Kunsthure
@Distortedview He’s Tim Henson, my favorite “Media Darling”. This guy is SO funny that he’s made a living out of his talent. He hosts a comedy podcast that is the highlight of some of my days. Here’s his website Distorted View Daily Listen at your own risk.
@iRockaBerry Emma… a sweet, caring girl, a social networking junkie, a tekkie, animal lover, BlackBerry addict, Apple fan & all around Gadget junkie!. Check out her Tumblr: iRockaBerry
@PinkBerryGirl Nathalie is a girl full of life, a BlackBerry & iPhone geek, if you ever need help with your gadgets… Join her Facebook page Nathalie Kawaguchi
@ERK My friend Eric, Non-theist, of course! I just really like the ‘coolness’ of this guy, He’s into games, technology and beer, sound familiar? Check out his site SupaBuma
@suselynn Susan… This beautiful lady is going to make your head spin! Err… in a good way, of course.
@andycrash His tweets will have you rolling all the time. His website: The Crash Dump
@RayBeckerman You have to follow Ray because you can’t not like him. A lawyer who tweets mostly about internet law, social justice, human rights, conservation, and preservation. Check out his site Recording Industry vs The People
@BibleAlsoSays Atheist, Agnostic, Skeptic, always sharing the most interesting thoughts and links about our secular cause. Here’s their site: The Bible Also Says
@SusanLorelei If you ever need to boost your spirits, this is the lady to turn to. Susan is an animal lover, internet aficionado, loves positive people and a really great beer! Who doesn’t? She has a Site Dinner Ideas Pretty self-explanatory!
@meducate Lawrence is a very entertaining, high level cool guy with a Phd. Global medical education guru, lecturer, author, world traveler, wine snob, dad, Porsche driver, stand-up comic, IG owner, native Brooklynite.
@Mnmissy She’s Darla, huge on Twitter! If you want to have fun on a daily basis she’s the one to follow, always gets us to think about facts of life, Comedy, Sex and Controversy, with a twist. Her other Twitter acc. TheDarlaShow
@PaulHarriott Paul is an Atheist with good taste and a BlackBerry. How powerful is that! His Facebook page Paul Harriott
@Liam_Fox Liam… Dad, Grand-Dad, Musician, Social Service Worker, Student, Thinker, Questioner, Challenger, ‘Ex teen Fundamentalist’ gone ‘Quiet 20’s Skeptic’ to a ‘30 something Silent Atheist’ come ‘Emerging 40+ Activist & Anti-Theist’. Excellent choice for following.
@terrymyers Terry is great guy altogether, great friend material. His website: Is it just me?
@chazdrums Charlie is a Drummer, Humanist, Atheist Twitaholic, he’s MIA for now, though… His website: chazdrums.com Hope you’re okay Chaz.
@OutAtheist Show that you’re an Out Atheist and follow OutAtheist. Let your words be heard and use #atheist or #atheism in all your atheist messages.
@zipzink Free-thinking non-theist, sharing news from all over the world. Networking other non-theists, here’s a huge list of us Atheists&Agnostics
Other atheists worth following: @infinite_life @hubbit @TheEmperfect @freeplay @cltdba @samiahurst @nondescriptdave @Cosmic_Owl @_7654_ @gold_tracker @invisible_h @LaBrujaRoja @LoveVickyx @DJ_Darkness I’m lacking descriptions for each one of them, for now. Sorry guys, busy week.
I’ll try to keep this post updated, hope you guys enjoy my favorite Tweeties’ company.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, do you hear me?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”
http://hellochaos74.wordpress.com/2009/07/21/angry-rant/
Atheists don’t be submissive and be like a cowering dog with it’s tail tucked between it’s legs. Speak up and stand up for yourselves. We’ve been putting up with bs way too long now.
Too many Atheists let Theists walk all over them and treat them like shit because of their non belief. That’s what I’m pissed about. I don’t give a crap if others believe in god(s). But they need to respect my/others choice not to believe.
One day, Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter flagged him down.
“Jesus, I really need your help!”
“Sure Pete, I can help you out, what do you need?”
“Well Jesus, I’ve got to go do this thing for a little bit, and I was wondering if you could keep an eye on the gates for me for a bit.”
“Well, I don’t know Pete, I’ve never really done this before…”
“Its really easy Jesus, all you have to do is talk to people, see if they led a good life, we let some little things slide, and if you decide they are a good person, let them in.” “Ok Pete, you go do your thing and I will keep an eye on things.”
Jesus sat down by the gates and started to interview the people waiting to get into heaven. While talking to them, he came to realize that most people, while having done a few bad things in their lives, were actually fairly good people and deserved to head through the gates into heaven.
An old man came walking up to Jesus next, and sat down. Jesus began asking him about his life. “What did you do for a living?”
“Oh, I was a carpenter.” Hearing this, Jesus thought back to his days as a young boy learning the trade of carpentry from Joseph.
Jesus then asked the man, “Did you have any children?”
The old man replied, “Well, I had a son, but he was not really my own. Despite this, I raised him as if he were and loved him like my very own child.”
Hearing this, Jesus became curious, remembering his own upbringing. He asked the old man, “Was there anything special about your son?”
The old man said, “Well, it has been many years, but he had holes in his hands and his feet.”
Taken aback but this statement, Jesus leaned in close to the old man, thinking he was Joseph, and said, “Father?”
The old man, with a puzzled expression, looked intently at Jesus and said, “Pinocchio?”
Submitted by Kevin R Brown on February 18, 2009 - 6:33pm. Atheist vs. Theist
No doubt there’s some important stuff I’ll have missed; feel free to add to the list as you see fit:
God did not create the universe
Our universe was formed via the expansion of a singularity and subsequent formation of structures by hydrogen atoms through gravitational attraction. A magical deity adds nothing to the known explanation.
God did not create the solar system or the Earth
Our sun was formed by the particle clouds left behind from previous stars, and our planet (as well as every other planet in the solar system) formed from an accretion disk surrounding our sun.
God did not create life on Earth
Life on Earth was formed through a chemical evolutionary process known as ‘abiogenesis’ (not to be confused with modern evolutionary science, dealing with the propagation of alleles through a population).
God did not create homo sapiens
Homo sapiens evolved along the primate branch of the genetic tree. We are simply the ‘latest model’ of great apes.
God did not give us ‘souls’ or ‘free will’
Human beings are conscious and self-aware via their brains. An extra, magical source for our intelligence adds nothing to the known explanation.
God has yet to answer a prayer
Under controlled conditions, when a request is made via prayer for something unambiguous, nothing ever happens.
God did not provide us with accurate insight into the mechanics the universe he supposedly was somehow involved in erecting
None of the mythological texts supposedly divined into existence by God reflect reality.
God did not talk to you last night
You can kid yourself and your choir all you like. We both know it didn’t happen.
God did not send his Holy Spirit through you
See above.
God did not invent morality
Morality was a trait favored by natural selection, as it encourages population growth & stability.
So then:
What the Hell did God do that is apparently so obvious to you? All of the things traditionally attributed to God are mis-attributions; it’s just outright wrong to say that magic was somehow necessary to make the universe, Earth, people, etc. We also both know that you’re being dishonest when you claim that a prayer was magically answered or that God manifested for you.
So: where does God come into it?
Quote:
“Let me say only this much to the moral issue involved: Suppose Germany had developed two bombs before we had any bombs. And suppose Germany had dropped one bomb, say, on Rochester and the other on Buffalo, and then having run out of bombs she would have lost the war. Can anyone doubt that we would then have defined the dropping of atomic bombs on cities as a war crime, and that we would have sentenced the Germans who were guilty of this crime to death at Nuremberg and hanged them?
But, again, don’t misunderstand me. The only conclusion we can draw is that governments acting in a crisis are guided by questions of expediency, and moral considerations are given very little weight, and that America is no different from any other nation in this respect.”
- Leo Szilard
Source: RationalResponders.com
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10 (future divorce’)
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10 (oh, NOW I get it!)
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then .
— Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10 (sad, but true)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
— Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7 (future golddigger)
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8 (future religulous)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 (Poor kid)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
— Ricky, age 10
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the quick thinking Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete pr*ck.”!
Two old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.” Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this
favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly.
“Who is it?” “Barb — it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!” “So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend’s house for a play date when the little girl asks “Mommy, how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replies sweetly. “It’s not polite.”
“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, a bit less sweetly, “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That’s enough questions, young lady, honestly!”, Mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car. The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
Now mom’s getting mad. She says, “Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the little girl next door came up and asked if she could play, too. He said, “okay.” Shortly he began bragging, “I have a big fire engine.” The girl responded, “So, I have a fire engine too. See!” Only slightly put off he expressed, “I have a toy tank!” She looked at it and quietly reached behind the sand box and pulled out a toy M1 Tank and said, “I have one, too.” The young boy almost in tears dropped his pants and says, “I have an organ!” The little girl looked down her pants and burst into tears and ran home crying all the way. The next day the lad is playing in his sand box when the little girl approaches. He says, “are you back for more? I told you I have an organ and you don’t!” “Well,” said the little girl, “my mom told me not to worry about it. She said I have one of these… and as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
